Knick-Knack

Way up high in the very wettest part of Northern England lies a tiny tidy town called Privy on the Verge.

It has one pub, one bank, one post office and forty two locals happily hidden away in their own little piece of anonymity.

One of these aforementioned chipper citizens is Ms. Patricia Thwackery, the assistant bank manager. Patti Thwack, as she is affectionately known to her friends, had moved to Privy on the Verge to escape the hustle and bustle of her home town of Bean Toot near Boghead. Two convenience stores was too much for Patti, who preferred the quiet country life.

As a dedicated spinster, nothing out of the ordinary ever happened to Patti until the day an eloquent frog hopped by for a loan.

“Good morning ma’am.”

Patti stared, mouth agape, at the talking amphibian. Perhaps the mushrooms she had eaten for breakfast were not as fresh as she thought. Unperturbed by her silence, the croaker continued,

“I’d like to borrow some money to buy section of the pond in which to raise my tadpoles please.”

Patti was mesmerised by the shiny green skin and large black eyes, but eventually found a voice of her own.

“I see. Well we need to fill out this application form. May I start with your name please.”

“Certainly,” replied the potential mortgagee. “My name is H.R.R Richards.”

“And what does the H stand for Mr. Richards?”

“Hoppity.”

“I see. and the two Rs?”

“Ribbit Ribbit.”

Patti blinked several times in quick succession and inhaled deeply before replying.

“Ri-i-i-ight.”

After several more minutes of form filling, red tape and boring bureaucracy the application was all but complete – except for one minor hitch.

“Mr Richards you have no deposit, no references and no collateral. I don’t think we will be able to give you the loan you require.”

Faced with the soul crushing possibility of an unfulfilled dream Hoppity remained as serene as only a frog can.

“I may not have any money Ms. Thwack but I do have this letter from my father Keith, offering to go guarantor for the loan.”

A webbed foot handed Patti an envelope. By now the entire town had heard of the polliwog powwow and had turned up at the bank to see what was happening. Even the the stuffy old Bank Manager had come out of his musty office to see what the fuss was all about.

Patti opened the letter and exclaimed, “Your father is Keith Richards!?!”

“Yep.”

“Rock star and legendary guitarist Keith Richards?”

“The one and only.”

The crowd gasped and the frog continued.

“If that’s not enough for you I can offer you my prized possession as collateral.”

Stick fingers plopped a miniature porcelain figurine with no definable features onto the counter. A perplexed Patti turned to her boss and said,

“Here is an application form, a letter from Keith Richards offering to guarantee a loan and, well, I have no idea what this other thing is.”

He replied,

“It’s a knick-knack Patti Thwack give the frog a loan. His old mans a Rolling Stone.”

I am so very, very sorry šŸ˜‰

For The Love of God – Enough With The Bloody Trivia?!

Like a bad movie franchise (think Saw 2 onwards) we’re back with another round of trivial trash, beginning with:

Of Licking Toads and Elbows.

The vast majority of the population cannot lick their elbows.

Pause whilst the reader attempts the impossible.

What many people don’t know is that elbow skin is actually toxic. There is a tiny gland in your lateral epicondyle that exudes a mild narcotic when stimulated. The drug, called Imtal Kingru Bish (or IKB for short) was first discovered by long-tongued hippies in the late 1970’s and is a form of bufotoxin similar to that found in the skin of the Colorado River Bullfrog and the Australian Cane Toad.

The ingestion of this type of hallucinogenic tryptamine has been known to cause psychedelic episodes leading to a voyage on a Yellow Submarine, a Magic Carpet Ride, sleepovers in Itchycoo Park or a Misty Mountain Hop. Those that imbibed too much often experienced a dangerous encounter with Hoppity Hooper and to this day cannot stand the sight of poor Kermit.

Coined the Peace Frog by the Lizard King, overdosed users were left as Thick as a Brick. Even renowned astronaut Major Tom, struggled with the fact that planet Earth was blue and there was nothing he could do.

Eventually the authorities banned the partaking of polliwog potion and less conventional methods, such as smoking banana skins, was attempted by the drug crazed desperados still waiting for the epic song ā€˜In a Gadda Da Vida’ to finish.

Then in 1978, notable walrus and occasional eggman, Philbert Q TieDye discovered the fun of IKB whilst slurping hummous off his elbow. Endowed with an unusually large sixteen centimetre proboscis, Philbert quickly decided that ā€˜elbow grease’ was good for business. Unfortunately for the Q-man the psychedelic effects of IKB only works on the person who produces the hallucinogen. So, after a string of beatings from Mellow Yellow fans whom Phil had tried to convert with a sample ā€˜suck on his wenis,’ he eventually gave up and spent his remaining days wandering the rooms of the Hotel California, frequently checking out, but never able to leave.

Many other unhappy discoveries began to pepper the free-love landscape as other long-tongued larrikins locked lips with their funny bones. Gorging on the ginglymis resulted in a succession of poorly acted Police Academy movies, an achy breaky heart, the Macarena, too many Baldwins and The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

Although it is sometimes called the ā€˜funny bone’, hitting the humerus is no laughing matter. So, even if you do have a Gene Simmons sized appendage, please do not try this at home.

Shark Tales.

It’s a known fact that sharks close their eyes when they come in for the kill. With their other senses heightened to the extreme, eyesight becomes superfluous and the soulless black orbs roll back into the sockets as the intoxicating aroma of severed flesh and gushing blood fills the boiling sea.

Ron and Valerie Taylor have spent years documenting this phenomenon, whilst remaining ā€˜in love’ with the shark. However, Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfus character in the movie Jaws) described the creature best.

ā€œ[Sharks are] an eating machine that is a miracle of evolution. It swims and eats and makes little baby sharks, that’s all.ā€

Unlike our friend the crocodile, sharks don’t cry when they bite you. The only reason they shut their eyes is so that they don’t end up with a piece of your rib cage lodged in the iris.

Do not be fooled by their names.

A Grey Nurse is not going to Dettol your detached limb.

A Hammer Head will not help you repair the hull of your boat.

Bull sharks don’t lie.

Gummy sharks have teeth.

And the only thing great about a Great White is the size of its gaping maw and its insatiable appetite.

They are the alpha predator of the ocean, and you are the side-serving of fries in the buffet of life.

Admit it, you’re hooked. You want more trivia? Well we got more trivia. Check out the following posts:

Interesting Trivia?!Ā 

More Interesting Trivia?!

Even More Interesting Trivia?!

Even More Interesting Trivia?!

From the people that brought you Interesting Trivia and More Interesting Trivia, comes the latest trivial sensation:

Even More Interesting Trivia?! – woo hoo, yay, big round of applause.

Crocodile Tears.

Did you know that crocodiles cry when eating? Its true!

Crocodiles, and their cousins the alligator, are deeply sensitive beasts who often spend hours at a time rationalising the forthcoming slaughter and mastication of the baby zebra playing at the edge of the waterhole. Taking a life does not come natural to natures ā€˜gentle lizard’.

You see, crocodilia are ancient creatures from the late cretaceous, a time when life was simple. A time when Raptors ran through the rapeseed, Gallimimus galloped through the grass, Diplodocus danced in the daisies and Tyrannosaurs tip-toed through the tulips. Volcanoes announced their eruptions weeks in advance and asteroids waved hello as they passed by at a safe distance.

Weekly meetings of Predators Anonymous were held amongst the heather to assist those poor unfortunate individuals who were born without molars. Many a despondent Deinonychus was counselled by a caring caiman during those early days. It was a peaceful time, a happy time, until a fuzzy little biped with opposable thumbs began sharpening sticks and throwing stones.

Nowadays the old croc is all alone in the world. His ancient acquaintances are either extinct or evolved into birds, and whenever he tries to smile at a human he gets shot in the head. There is no support group, no outlet for his emotions. So when he kills, and kill he must, he sheds a little tear.

So please try and remember this story when you meet our scaly friend. And if he happens to have a little nibble on your bum well, as Homer Simpson once said, ā€˜its just like going to sleep – in a blender’.

Dead Ringer.

A ring, a ring o’ roses,
A pocket full o’posies
Atishoo atishoo
We all fall down.

What a cute, nonsensical nursery rhyme – NOT!!! Its actually an evil little ditty about death and decay, dating back to the first outbreak of bubonic plague in England in the 1300’s

Old Mother Goose, the wicked witch of Westfarthing penned the poisoned words in the basement of her thatched hut where she brewed the black-death in a blood soaked cauldron. Scared yet? You should be!

Ring-a-Rosie refers to the raised round welts and weeping lesions that initially infected the doomed individual.

As their skin decayed and began to slough off the their bones, a fetid reek would begin to effuse the environment. Victims would stuff their pockets with herbs and wildflowers to ward off the stench. The most common flora available being posies, hence the second line of the rhyme.

Sneezing helped to spread the disease, as did coughing up blood and the lack of an adequate sewerage system.

We all fall down – You’re dead!

Nowadays we read this poem to our children in complete ignorance of its insidious meaning, but pityriasis rosea still exists people and it’s an itchy legacy of the Goose woman.

More Interesting Trivia?!

For Your Edification and Entertainment – Matts Notes is Proud to Present More Interesting Trivia?!

Leaping to a Ludicrous Leap Year Conclusion – aka Were The Mayans The Original Douchebags?

There have been approximately 514 leap years since Julius Caesar created the Julian Calendar in 46BC. The Mayan calendar, which forms the underlying premise of the movie ā€˜2012’ with John Cusack; released in plenty of time so the producers could raise the millions of Euros required to secure their safe passage on board the American ark šŸ˜‰ – did not use leap years to synchronise the months to the seasons. In fact, the Mayans had several calendars, one of which was known as the Long Count.

History tells us that,

ā€œThe Mayan civilization existed from 250-900 A.D. in the current geographical location of southern Mexico, Guatemala, Belize, El Salvador and some of Honduras. Archaeologists studying this fascinating culture have been able to decipher their many calendars, but their longest period calendar — the “Long Count” — is what set alarm bells off in the fertile minds of a few conspiracy theorists, doomsayers andĀ guys looking to make a fast buck.ā€

According to Quantum expert and Sleek Geek, Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki,

ā€œ[the Long Count] was set up around 355 BCE, and had as its chosen starting date 0.0.0.0.0, which corresponds to 11 August 3114 BCE. And on 21 December 2012, the Mayan Long Count calendar will read 13.0.0.0.0.

Now here’s how it works. Our numbering system is based on 10. But the Mayans had a counting system based on 20, so most of the ‘slots’ in their calendar had 20 potential numbers (0 to 19). The calendar read a little like the odometer in your car’s speedo (which run from 0 to 9). The extreme right slot (of five slots) would count through the days, and when it got to 19 days (0.0.0.0.19) would reset to zero, and the next slot across to the left would increase by one (to 0.0.0.1.0).

So 0.0.0.0.1 was one day, and 0.0.0.1.0 was 20 days. Then 0.0.1.0.0 was about one year, 0.1.0.0.0 was about 20 years and with 1.0.0.0.0, you’ve clocked up about 400 years. And on 21 December 2012, the Mayan Long Count calendar will read 13.0.0.0.0.ā€

Therefore, if you subscribe to a conspiracy theory centered around the number 13 you may feel inclined to splurge on ā€˜buy now, pay later’ items, knowing that you will never have to cough up on the horrendous credit card interest rate. Go for it, Gerry Harvey won’t mind.

However, Dr. Karl continues to say,

ā€œBy the way, the time between 0.0.0.0.0 and 13.0.0.0.0 is about 5126 years. Now some Mayan archaeo-astronomers reckon that the calendar should reset back to zero and start again. But others disagree and say it should continue to 20, and then reset again.ā€

Hmm, hands up all those of you scared of the number 20!

So, bearing in mind that we only started using leap days 2,059 years ago, and the Mayans never used leap days when they set up their calendar to begin in 3114BC, the math that calculated the End of Days is flawed – sorry Arnie.

Add to that the fact that even the experts on Mayan culture cannot agree and there’s a good chance doomsayers, that you’re already dead šŸ™‚

Check back on Thursday for Even More Interesting Trivia?!

Interesting Trivia?!

When you’re finished reading, check out the new trivial posts: More Interesting Trivia and Even More Interesting Trivia.

Mum sent me this so it has to be true – right?

Here are some ‘facts’ about the 1500s:

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery…….if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor”

But worse than that were theĀ really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot, they “didn’t have a pot to piss in” and were the lowest of the low.

Most people got married inĀ JuneĀ because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good byJune. However, since they were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide theĀ body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all theĀ babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water!”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causingĀ lead poisoningĀ death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

EnglandĀ is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift..) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer…

And that’s the truth!

Of course it is. My mum said so!

Don’t forget to check out the new trivial posts:Ā More Interesting TriviaĀ andĀ Even More Interesting Trivia.