Humour

50 Fascinating Factoids – Part 2

Posted on by Matthew Green

Following on from last weeks round of fascinating fun and frivolity, here are factoids 26 – 50.

26.) The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
Which is why their students are always late to class.

27.) The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

28.) In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
Throwing it back at your head meant she wanted a food fight.

29.) Time-Warner Corporation paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
Good luck collecting those royalties, knucleheads.

30.) Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
And they don’t work for Time-Warner.

31.) A comet’s tail always points away from the sun.

32.) The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
That’ll do pig, that’ll do.

33.) Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

34.) The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

35.) If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
Go jump in a well and test it out. Go on, I’ll wait 😉

36.) When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
Ergo, don’t sit around the hospital bed saying ‘is he dead yet?’

37.) In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Now we do it to spread Swine Flu 😉

38.) Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

39.) Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 240 calories per hundred and fifty grams.

40.) The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
Byee!

41.) The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Well that explains the layer coating my credenza.

42.) Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

43.) Eucalyptus leaves do NOT get koalas high.
Are you sure?

44.) Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

45.) Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
Sweet! I’m heading up there with some scales tomorrow.

46.) For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

47.) The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
Neither does Q.

48.) The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Most men don’t think with their brains. Its the little head that makes all the crucial decisions.

49.) Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy.
Goofy is known as “Silvio Berlusconi”.

50.) Women are actually better drivers than men.
Yeah, right 😉

50 Fascinating Factoids – Part 1

Posted on by Matthew Green

My mate Mort, a true gentleman of Pittsburgh, sent me most of these tidbits. Surely a distinguished statesman from the good ol’ US of A wouldn’t fib?

1.) If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.
If you are ambidextrous does that mean you dribble?

2.) To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers.
No wonder the little buggers always look exhausted.

3.) Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by ‘Bayer‘.
And to think, this was 1895 – way before Woodstock.

4.) People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.
Hopefully they also wear a lot of sunscreen.

5.) Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

6.) Astronauts can’t belch – there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.
They can flatulate though, and there’s nothing more horrid than a fart in a space suit.

7.) Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
Ugh

8.) The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

9.) Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

10.) The night of January 20 is “Saint Agnes’s Eve”, which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.
It is also a poem by Keats

11.) A googol (not Google) is actually the common name for a number with one hundred zeros.
A googolplex is 1 followed by a googol of zeros, or 1 with a million zeros following it. It has nothing to do with a popular search engine.

12.) It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

13.) Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.
Hmm, I didn’t think that any precious metals actually rusted. Rust is peculiar to iron and compounds made with iron. Regardless, I will not be burying my vast stash of gold bars any time soon 😉

14.) Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

15.) If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated its thirst mechanism shuts off.

16.) Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

17.) Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
i – i = ?

18.) Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
That must have been one long piece of string.

19.) The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
Not sure why though. It is a stupid song.

20.) Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

21.) Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 160°C.
However, if you’re allergic to peanuts do not become a submariner.

22.) Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

23.) The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
So how did it get here in the first place?

24.) The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Really! I just figured the little crab had his tiny television turned up too loud.

25.) Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
Like crabs with loud television sets.

Tune in next week for more Mort madness with, Fascinating Factoids – Part 2

The Dark Side of Ribena.

Posted on by Matthew Green

I’m not sure if I have posed this before but; if a Ribena berry drinks Ribena juice, does that not make the currant a cannibal?

Surely the act of squishing ones own siblings, just to extract their syrupy succulence, is akin to the salacious nature of a serial killer.

As a consumer of its compatriot’s compote, does that not mean that the blushing blackcurrant is a bloodsucking botanical beast?

Maybe the macabre machinations of the mindless maroon monster means it has been zombified!

Does not the thought of pulverizing into pulp the pips of your own produce, prompt the recollection of poems by Poe?

Do we need this much vicious viscous violence for the sake of vitamin C?

Whatever the revelation be on the look out for more frightening fruit next time you visit your local green grocer.

Smee

Posted on by Matthew Green

(Language alert)

In Australia there are three main commercial television stations, all of whom have subsidiary country-based, high definition and secondary channels for those that want to think they are getting a choice in viewing. We also have one Government funded station, our ABC. The Global Financial Crisis shook the foundations of every world economy and even though Australia came out of it pretty well, the coffers are vastly depleted for quality programing by our non-commercial entity. When faced with the prospect of losing Dr. Who, Sesame Street and Thomas the Tank Engine to their ad-spewing rivals, the Board of the ABC had to react quickly and decisively. What they came up with was a game show.

But this was not to be any ordinary game show full of fifteen minuters desperate for their little slice of fame and fortune. No! This was to be an intellectual extravaganza, the likes of which have never been seen before. A panel of elite judges were assembled from World Book Encyclopedia, Macquarie Dictionary and Mensa to provide the credentials the Board members wanted. Invitations were sent to the best and brightest minds from Australia’s leading Universities including Sydney, Monash and Mount Buggery (its a real place, look it up) and the whole shebang was headed up by the suave and sophisticated Mr. Roger Roget – no relation to the man that invented the thesaurus.

For the first time in the ABC’s enigmatic history, this bastion of culture and purveyor of boring British programming allowed commercial advertising to blight its lustrous landscape. Major international businesses were falling all over themselves for the three prized slots in the hour long cerebral spectacle, and the cash was flowing. Celebrities graced the red carpet on opening night, popping champagne corks with dignitaries, visionaries and luminaries. Big wigs, big shots and big guns all sat around patting each others backs and congratulating themselves on a job well done, even though the show had not yet got underway. The circus was surreal.

Finally it was time to put up or shut up and as a hush fell over the audience Roger Roget explained the rules.

“Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome to ABC Studios for the first ever edition of, Mind Games.”

The crowd were hushed yet totally in thrall as their illustrious host continued to elaborate.

“The rules are simple. We invite one lucky participant from the audience down to the stage to give us a word that does not exist in the English language. If they can use that word in a sentence that makes sense then they can go one to compete for some fantastic prizes.”

Now this is where I come in. I never actually found out how I got an invitation to this scholarly soiree but there I was, three rows from the front, when my name got called out.

Surprised? Yes.

Shocked? For sure!

Worse still, I’ve never thought of myself as a wordsmith with the real English language, so making something up was going to be a challenge. Roger introduced me to the audience, the panel of experts and then the pressure was on.

“Well Mr. Roget I don’t know if this is a word but, ah, I guess I’ll go with garn.”

“And how do you spell that.”

“It’s spelled G.A.R.N.”

A flurry of activity ensued from the learned jury sitting in judgement of my performance. Papers rustled, book spines cracked and eventually they delivered the verdict of ‘not guilty’ to garn

“Well Matthew, now is the time to use your word. What can you tell us about garn?”

I looked at the crowd, nodded to the committee of experts, faced the camera with the steady red light and said,

“Garn get fucked.”

Well, the crowd went into an uproar, Roger Roget fainted and some security heavyweights proceeded to manhandle me off the stage and out into the alleyway behind the studios. The ABC programming director quickly threw up the test pattern on all the screens around the country and the Prime Minister of Australia called the Board directly to convey her concerns. It was a sight akin to a Jerry Springer show, without the violence and nudity.

After twenty minutes the calm was restored and the test pattern made way for the contrite countenance of Roger Roget, still clutching a little jar of smelling salts.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of everyone here at the ABC please accept my humblest apologies for the language used by our previous guest. Unfortunately some people are just not couth enough to associate with high society, but we feel confident that the riff-raff have all been ejected and that the shown can go on.”

The crowd clapped pensively. Their ears had been assaulted once and the were not entirely convinced that continuing the program had merit. The programming director knew this would be the case and decided to call on an elderly gentlemen with a long manicured beard and a kind grandfatherly face, to be the next contestant. As he arrived on stage our hero with the microphone continued his waffling.

“Tell me kind sir, what word would you like to use today?”

“Well sonny, I’d like to use the word smee. Spelled S.M.E.E.”

The usual suspects in the judiciary quickly pawed over their documents and confirmed that, aside from being a pirate in the story Peter Pan, the word smee did not exist in the English language. Roger had regained his composure and was determined to get the show back on track.

“Well sir, please use smee in a sentence.”

So I did 😉

I stood bolt upright, cast my walking stick aside, yanked the fake beard off my face, stared at the camera with the steady red light and proudly exclaimed,

“Smee again. Garn get fucked.”