iDad 007 – Mini Me Meets One Little Girl

Mini Me

I have mentioned previously about God Sakes love for all things miniature and his unfortunate inclination to eat said tiny toys. Well Granny also had a predilection for the pint sized. To him, every itty-bitty item was somebody’s baby and, like his brothers before him, his favourite were prehistoric monsters. Plastic dinosaurs (or dinoos as they had been so named by the terrible trio) were everywhere and even though the Brontosaurus was occasionally seen grazing on the T-Rex, and Stegosaurus could sometimes fly, Granny loved them.

It was a cute obsession from our chubby-cheeked cherub that frequently drew a chuckle from family and passersby, until the unfortunate incident at the fancy pizza parlour. Someone had ordered a Mediterranean pizza that was topped with scallops, mussels, prawns and barbeque octopus. It smelled fantastic but was destined never to be eaten, for as it was placed on the red and white checked stereotypical table cloth, Granny’s inner demon let fly with a blood-curdling,

“WHO KILLED ALL THE BABIES?”

The sight of baked hoods and charred tentacles were too much for Granny to bear and I was forced to take him for ice cream to calm him down. Apparently the pizza was really nice. I guess I’ll never know.

Later that year Granny got his own baby to care for when the stork dropped our fourth son down the chimney. With dark curly hair, large brown eyes and a big beautiful smile, number four quickly became known as Mini Me and has lived up to the title ever since.

The Lego Revelation.

The arrival of Mini Me had necessitated a move to a larger house, the purchase of a bigger car and a mortgage akin to the national debt. Six people just do not fit in a Camry no matter how hard you try and although iDad had considered using the boot space (especially for those long holiday miles) the need to keep my license always outweighed the temptation.

Our children were very happy though, in spite of my threats to shove them into the luggage pod on the roof if they didn’t keep their hands to themselves. In the morning they would race me to the front door as I left for work. Breakfast covered fingers smeared my suit with love and Weetbix as I staggered up the hallway and extricated myself from the apartment. Their enthusiasm was no less exuberant when I returned home, only this time it was tomato sauce and fish fingers that coated my clothing. The local dry-cleaners still send me Christmas cards as a thank-you for helping to put their kids through University.

A house full of cubs tends to lead to a floor covering of pre-school detritus and the most prevalent mess at our place was Lego. Colourful bricks, wheels, critters and people littered our lounge room, bedroom, hallway and every other place there should have been carpet or ceramic tiles. It clogged the vacuum cleaner, disappeared under the refrigerator, went through the washing machine and often found itself within the blades of my lawn mower. The kids loved getting it all out, iDad hated putting it all away.

Unfortunately Mini Me had developed a medical problem that caused him pain whenever he went wee-wees so, after a few months of almost zero sleep, his parents were not much better than zombies. Oh sure we avoided nibbling on our neighbours brains, and our hygiene was more than acceptable, but the shuffling shadows of human beings we had become left us frequently drooling on the couch and falling asleep at the dinner table.

The doctors couldn’t seem to work out what was wrong with Mini Me, yet the bills kept coming in. The economy was still holding its breath after September 11 and we had another little miracle on the way. The mess, the lawn, the bills, the asthma, the lack of sleep… It was a hard time for the parents of four little boys and the pressure was beginning to take its toll. Then, when life seemed at its lowest point, something wonderful and just a little bit painful happened.

It was either late in the night or early in the morning, my eyes would not focus on the alarm clock and all I knew was that it was still dark outside, I staggered toward back to the bedroom after comforting No. 1 through another Night Bear. In the dim I did not see the booby trap laid out for me and suddenly found my left foot had decided to introduce itself to the smallest, sharpest piece of Lego in the pack. Now I was awake! Crimson spots dribbled from the gash on my sole as I began scooping up the playthings, but I stopped almost immediately when I noticed the intricate pattern in which they had been laid out. The boys had created an entire Neanderthal village complete with cavemen, palm trees, dinosaurs and farm animals. The Stone Age family had a mother, a father and four children living happily in their little plastic cave. A McDonalds French Fry was the centrepiece of the display. I guess they had hunted and gathered it from the locale fast food franchise, Flintstones style.

Next to the Lambeosaurus was a bunch of drawings by Granny where he had practiced writing his name and spelling the words ‘I love mummy and daddy’. Underneath the drawings was a booklet written and illustrated by God Sakes called ‘These Elephants.’ It was a story about a daddy elephant and his son, and all the adventures they did together. Life no longer seemed so challenging.

The Tooth Fairy.

I’ve never been entirely comfortable holding a piece of someone’s head in my hand but losing a tooth is a natural occurrence and with five kids, well the tooth fairy was going to need an assistant. The American tradition is to hide the fang under the child’s pillow and some pillow cases even have a little pocket to place the chomper within. In light of the thrashing antics of No.1’s night terrors we thought it would be wiser to place the tiny tusk in a glass of water and leave it on the sink for the fairy to find. This was a great idea which served us well for many a discarded denture until the one fateful night that iDad arrived home late from the office Christmas party, a little worse for wear. Staggering into the darkened kitchen, trying desperately not to wake the family, iDad topped up the glass of water he found and drank it.

Have you ever heard the saying when something comes back ‘to bite you in the bum’? Well I know what that actually feels like. Thankfully it was only one of God Sakes front teeth and not a molar or, Heaven forbid, a fifty-cent piece.

One Little Girl.

A couple of months later we brought our fifth and final baby home. One little girl was here, and she was perfect. She was also a little girl, something we were not entirely used to in our household. Hand-me-downs were no longer acceptable. Ponies replaced the Pachycephalosaurus. Pink and purple became the primary colours instead of red and green. The boys didn’t know what had hit them and neither did iDad.

Mud pies, tree climbing and footy became bubbles, ballet and Barbie. Fairies invaded the living room and Princesses were everywhere. One by one the Matchbox cars were replaced with all manner of dolls. Some burped, others cried and a few even soiled their nappies. Only the ubiquitous Lego, with its asexual appeal, remained acceptable. Life as we knew it was inexorably altered forever, but we didn’t care.

From the moment she arrived One Little Girl was the master of her domain. No.1, God Sakes and Granny would rush to pick her up at the slightest squeak, lugging her around the house and playing with pink ‘things’ to keep her amused. Even Mini Me was besotted.

Our last first birthday was a magnificent experience. More time went into the creation of the culinary masterpiece that was the cake, than the rest of the fare we prepared. With marshmallow mushrooms, magenta butterflies, silver cachous and mauve coloured icing that still does not appear in any paint chart on the planet, a bemused One Little Girl finally got to blow out her candle. It was a day I will never forget.

Mini Me and One Little Girl are in primary school together. Granny and God Sakes are almost finished high school. No.1 is studying at college.

Where did the time go?

Monsters from Pine Gap

These are some of the nasties you’ll find lurking withing the pages of my novel.

This collection includes:

Sand Shark – Sand Sharks live under the loose soil of the Australian desert. They are highly voracious marsupial predators who aren’t afraid to cannibalize their own kind.

Catonque Spider – These huge arachnids hunt in threes with a highly toxic venom that has no known cure.

Zombie – Also know as the Beast of Bourbon. Check out the post in the Pine Gap section of the website.

All drawings done by Daniel. Share

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Pine Gap Teaser 03 – The Beast of Bourbon

Gabriel’s quarters were directly opposite Sebastian’s so he took a deep breath, shook off the alcohol fog, and crossed the park to find his bed. Two of the Mahjongg players from the train saw him and immediately stood to attention. The elevator door opened behind them and Drax knew what they were up to.  The mystery of Pine Gap was legend amongst the Terran armed forces and the new recruits were going on an adventure.  He would make changes tomorrow when his authority as the Head of Security was made official. Tonight they were someone else’s problem.

The Colonel’s security card had been coded to allow him access to his domicile with a simple wave in front of the scanner sensor in the door jamb. Upon entry every light was automatically switched on and Drax could see that his residence, with the exception of a few personal additions, was exactly the same as Botha’s.  The carpet on the lounge room floor was woven out of a soft down-like substance that molded with the individuals foot shape to provide comfort and support, whilst gently massaging the soles to relieve stress. Gabriel kicked off his boots and sighed at his toes were swathed in velvety bliss.  As he entered the kitchen the surface became more solid with mildly heated tiles that were no less pleasurable to walk on in spite of their rigidity. Feeling thirsty, and still a little giddy from the bourbon, Drax poured himself a glass of ice water from a jug in the refrigerator.  He drank some of the half frozen liquid, bent his head into the sink, and tipped the rest of it over the back of his neck. Gabriel stood there for a moment watching the water drip from his nose and splash onto the shiny metal surface of the drain and then decided that a hot bath would help him sleep. He ascended the stairs to the second level and noticed that the entire story was covered in polished floorboards which, like the kitchen tiles, were also kept at a comfortable temperature.  Three bedrooms and a bathroom didn’t hold much interest for him so he continued upwards towards the waiting spa. The master bedroom was carpeted in the same substance as the ground floor living area with a massive bed situated against the far wall. An imposing walk-in wardrobe with floor to ceiling mirrors stood opposite the bed and Drax could see that his uniforms had been neatly pressed and were hanging at attention. On the left hand side of the bed was the large double doors that opened onto the balcony at the front of the terrace and to the right was the en suite, which is where Drax headed. It took ten minutes to fill the spa to the desired level and the Colonel was left standing impatiently naked waiting for it to be ready.

The jets of hot water eventually began to massage his spine and Gabriel closed his eyes to enjoy the sensation.  Suddenly the serenity was broken by an unnatural sound on the stairs.  Drax thought he may be hearing things but switched off the spa to be sure.  His ears strained against the silence for what seemed an eternity then, just as he was about to give up and get back to the bath, he heard it again.  A scraping sound similar to a bag being dragged along a wooden floor, followed by the thump of a heavy footstep. Gabriel stepped quietly out of the tub and wrapped a towel around his waist.  He grabbed his laser pistol from the bed and headed to the top of the stairwell. Although he hadn’t shut off the lights the two floors below him were pitch black and the noise was getting closer.

“Identify yourself!”

The Colonel bellowed into the darkness and the noise stopped momentarily before quickening its pace. The soggy officer reached for the control panel to switch the lights back on but nothing he did would illuminate the stairway, so he positioned himself in a crouch and waited for the intruder to access the final landing.

Scrape-thump.

The noise was becoming progressively louder as it drew closer to him and Drax could feel his heart pounding faster than ever before.

Scrape-thump!

He had fought his way out of many tough situations but something here didn’t feel right, and his palms began to sweat.

Scrape-THUMP!

“Relax soldier.”

He was talking to himself.

SCRAPE-THUMP!

And then he saw it! A rotten, fetid corpse staggered around the corner and looked up at him with one ice blue eye. Maggots were still gnawing on the other eyeball whilst chunks of putrid skin and hair were hanging off the carcass forming morbid festoons of pus and gore. Drax retched on the stench of decay and fired his pistol at the approaching menace. The laser bolt went right through the creature’s chest cavity and impacted with the wall behind it splattering bone and coagulated blood. The – thing – swayed slightly on the step and the frightened man could see large black cockroaches crawling amongst the decomposing organs. He prepared to fire his pistol again but stopped when the creature held out a half empty bottle of brown spirits and began to speak.

“I thought you might want to finish the bourbon with me.”

Gabriel stared in utter disbelief as the suppurating cadaver of Sebastian Botha gurgled its horrible invitation, then fired his pistol once again. This time the laser bolt hit the liquor bottle and the alcohol burst into flames, setting his friend alight in a blaze of blue fire and black smoke. The cremation lasted only a few seconds and the Captain was reduced to a pile of charred bones and greasy ash.

Drax vomited onto the carpet then staggered back into the master bedroom.  He placed his pistol on the bed and, with his body quivering from the early onset of shock, allowed the towel to drop to the floor.

SCRAPE-THUMP!

All too late he heard the second corpse and was seized from behind by a grip that belied human physical strength. The monster wheezed through its disintegrating nasal passage.

“I’ve been waiting for you. Its time to have your bath”.

Before he knew it Drax was being dragged by his neck into the en suite and he saw, with a dread realisation, that he was about to be drowned in his own spa. He fought back with all the strength he could muster but was no match for the super human abilities of his captor. His head hit the tap as it was forced into the water, which prevented him from taking a deep enough breath. He opened his eyes and watched the blood from the cut on his forehead blend with the bath water and disperse. His hands were still free so he planted them firmly on the floor of the spa and pushed up with all his might until his head broke the surface and he was able to gulp down some life saving oxygen. Then he was drowning again and the force holding him down was not about to let him fill his lungs for a second time. Finally the terror of his experience and the hopelessness of his situation registered and he panicked. His arms thrashed around in the water clawing at the creature holding him under. Pieces of graying skin and muscle came away in his hands as his fingers scraped against the arm bones of his assailant. The water turned a muddy brown colour as it became diluted with the filth of the decaying carrion he was tearing apart. Finally, as he was on the verge of passing out it spoke to him again.

“What’s the matter?  Don’t you like to be clean?”

Pine Gap © Matthew Green 2004