How To Wash a Cat

This really works, trust me 😉

Step 1. Raise the lid of the toilet seat. Don’t worry if your dog drinks out of it, dogs are stupid. Just make sure there are no floaters.

FurballStep 2. Be sure to flush away all of the Harpic or Blu Loo cleaner in the cistern. The last thing you want is for your cat to end up looking like a Smurf.

Step 3. Add a generous squirt of cat shampoo to the water in the bowl. Flea Free and Fur So Fresh are good products, as is Soft Kitty, Clean Kitty, but for real results you can’t go past Pet Head. Yes I know its for dogs, but cats can’t read.

Step 4. This is the tricky part. Somehow you have to get your cat into the toilet without running the risk of bleeding to death. There are two proven methods you can try.

  1. The Scruff and Chuck: This is a simple time-saving method that basically involves grabbing the unsuspecting moggy by the scruff of the neck and throwing him into the bowl. Unfortunately, if you miss you will have to wait until your pet lapses into a coma in a sunbeam before you can try again.
  2. The Bait and Lure: For folks with time on their hands I suggest you try this method as it is not only effective, but fun too. First, go buy a laser pointer. Don’t worry about the colour. Its a scientific fact that cats brains switch off at the sight of a little dot of light and their primeval need to beat up things smaller than themselves kicks into gear.  Don’t just lead him straight to the toilet though, make sure you have some fun with him first. Crash him into the fridge, run him into a window (open or closed doesn’t matter – cats always land on their feet), make him lacerate your girlfriends legs, or get some buddies together for a game of kitty skittles with some bowling pins and a smooth kitchen floor. Finally, its time for his bath and he will be so focused on catching the laser pointer that he won’t know where he’s going until its too late.

Step 5. Quickly close the lid and place something heavy on it. Concrete cinder blocks will do the trick. Your cat may be tired from the fun and frivolity of the laser pointer, but toilet water always seems to turn them into the Tasmanian Devil.

Step 6. All that thrashing about will help to bathe the cat. Its a bit like the agitator in a top load washing machine. Don’t worry about the growling, howling or spluttering emanating from the bowl, these are happy sounds and your cat will thank you later by coughing up a hairball onto your pillow.

wetmogStep 7. When soap suds begin seeping out from under the lid its time to flush the toilet. Do this at least twice to ensure that all the shampoo has been rinsed from kitty’s fur. The more the merrier of course so feel free to flush as long as you want.

Step 8. Conditioning. This is the dangerous part of the job. Kitty is loving his bath so much that when you open the lid he will try to tear your hand off to stop you from taking him out. The best way to add conditioner to the routine is as follows:

  1. Purchase a pair of chain mail gloves. You should be able to buy these online or from any scuba dive shop that specialises in shark cages.
  2. Lift the toilet lid just far enough to slide your hand inside and grab kitty by the head.
  3. Once you have established a firm grip on his skull open the lid and squirt in some conditioner. I find fabric softener works a treat.
  4. Shut the lid and repeat steps 5 through 7.

Step 9. By now kitty is delirious with excitement over his bath, but you are a busy person and cannot hang around forever waiting for him to finish. Opening the lid will instantly allow a rush of cool air onto kitty telling him its time to get out. As we all know cats hate to be cold so kitty will need to be able to get outside quickly to find some sunshine. My advice is to make sure that the front door is already open as a cats claws can chew through fly screen faster than a hot knife through butter. Leave a couple of windows open too, just in case. Kitty is likely to be a little disoriented after his bath and we don’t want him crashing through any glass panes as that can be expensive. Don’t worry if you live several stories up, kitty has nine lives – remember. I would also advise that all the other residents in the house lock themselves in their bedrooms until kitty has exited the building. Small children in particular should get out of the way.

Now lift the lid quickly and for the love of God, duck!

Step 10. Spend the afternoon repairing any damage such as shattered glass, smashed vases or upended coffee tables and then relax. Kitty is nice and clean and so is the toilet.

There you go, ten easy steps to cleaning your cat. The only way it could be more fun is with the machine in the video below 😉