A Wee Joke

I’m so poor I’ve had to start robbing gnomes. Gnome

I never thought I’d STOOP so LOW, but my bank account is very SMALL and I’m a LITTLE SHORT on cash.

Sorry guys :-/


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Fad Fail

buttcrackI see that all the young hipsters and groovers out there have taken on a new fad that combines ‘twerking‘ and ‘planking‘.

They call it ‘wanking’ and every mover and shaker with a YOLO tattoo is going hard at it several times a day.

No wonder they don’t bother pulling their pants up ;-)

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Sage Advice


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Dear Apple

Dear Apple,auto_correct

I promise I will never, ever, ever use the phrase ‘ducking hell’, ‘duck off’, ‘duckwit’, or ‘duck you’.

So could you please stop autocorrecting my messages.

Thank you.


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Not Good Nike

These are Nike running shoes and this is what they have done to my feet.

I bought them from a professional outfit at Bondi Beach after assessing my stride on their treadmill. They have done approximately 400 kilometres of road running since I bought them.

I’m not a hardcore runner. I don’t do marathons or heavy trails, I’m just trying to stay fit without damaging my body. So I bought a trusted brand, from a reputable outlet, and here is the outcome.

They are not cheap shoes, but they are cheaply made and I will not be buying Nike again.

If anyone has had a similar experience, or can recommend somewhere I can go to get some decent shoes, please let me know.

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Ode to Alcohol

Starkle Starkle little twink,whisky

Who the heck you are I think.

I’m not under what they call,

The alcofluence of incohol.

I’m not drunk as thinkle peep,

I’m just s little slort of sheep.

Tee martoonis make a guy.

Fool so feelish, don’t know why.

Rally don’t know who’s me yet.

The drunker I stay the longer I get.

So just one more to fill my cup,

I’ve all day sober to Sunday up.

- Many thanks to Irish Murphy in Hobart for the heads up ;-)


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Best Australian Blogs 2014 Competition

gnatHi Guys,

Once again I have a massive favour to ask all of you.

This year my blog is both a nominee for the Best Australian Blogs competition and the Peoples Choice Awards, along with half the population of the known world.

Last year I just missed out by a gnat’s whisker, so if you’re a basher of Burbage, a lover of lame humour, a fun runner, another frustrated parent, or an aficionado of literary genius, please mobilise your clicking digits and show me the love.

Here’s how you create history:

Follow the link below, swat the big arse bug, or click the Vote For Me Now button on the right of this post, to start the voting process.


Once you arrive on the home page, click on the big blue button that says ‘Vote here’.

Now you will have arrived at the welcome page. Isn’t it nice to be thanked for all the hard work they are about to put you through ;-) On the welcome page click ‘next’.

Everything is alphabetised so you’ll have to scroll through to the third page to find Matts Notes. Place a little tick in my box and once again click ‘next’ at the bottom of the page.

You should now arrive at a blank page that gives you the opportunity to choose to continue the voting process by clicking ‘next’ again, or you can choose to finish up and leave by clicking ‘exit this survey’ in the top right of the screen.

Phew, wasn’t that a giant pain in the backside. But as Loreal continually reminds us, I’m worth it.

Voting closes on Monday the 5th May so please get cracking over the next couple of weeks and spread the love.

I promise I really will respect you in the morning ;-)

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